Booze 1, Jen 0

  Today I wake up with 19 days of sobriety. Not very exciting when you’ve woken up to 19 days a handful of times. It’s at least a start and I’m doing something about it. I’m in an outpatient treatment program again because there was a storm inside of me and it was killing all the flowers.

I struggle with extended family relationships and am most happy when I don’t have to deal with outside bullshit. I can’t keep holding grudges against family members that I think should act or behave different. I struggle with my only sibling and the lack of a relationship that we have. I blame that on the way we were raised. Excuses were always made for him because being brought up in a divorced house, a boy needs his dad, but a daughter doesn’t. Well that’s ridiculous! When my brother didn’t want to deal with me, he didn’t have to. If we fought, I’d have to get a ride to school from someone else even though we were going to the same place. All my life I was looked at by my older brother as nothing more than a fuck up. We are 3 years apart and we don’t really have any communication ever. He’s got his own issues like he did when we were kids and teenagers. But nothing is ever addressed like it wasn’t addressed as kids. Well, I try and live my life as vocal as possible because I fight to make all aspects of my younger years as different as possible for my own growth. I do that for me. I’ll save all of this for my next post.

The fact is that I’m grateful for another new beginning and a supportive husband and my 3 daughters. They are my everything and they believe in me even when I make mistakes and bad decisions. I’m working on getting a sponsor. I’m taking one day at a time and I’m continuing to forgive myself and learning to love me. I find that reading other people’s stories and events help me understand this whole alcoholism disease a bit better and blogging myself helps me get it out of my mind.

“Nothing changes if nothing changes…..” Shits changing!

Cheers,

Jen

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9 thoughts on “Booze 1, Jen 0

  1. Two tiny things… First, how does one go about working at getting a sponsor? It takes three seconds, literally. Second, your kids and your husband aren’t your everything. That sounds beautiful and wonderful, but they’re a distant second behind relapsing. Alcohol is your everything, at least it was just before your last relapse. They know this and you prove it every time you go back out.

    That rigorous honesty thing is serious. Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path means you actually have to follow the path to make it.

    I apologize for being harsh.

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  2. Keep putting one foot in front of the other, it also took me several times for sobriety to stick. I got sober initially for my son, but now I’m staying sober for me. Hugs to you, you can do this!

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  3. The director of my outpatient treatment has recommended I meet with several potential sponsors and choose the one I’m most comfortable with. I didn’t follow that advice with my first sponsor…..she was too religious for my liking. You’re not too harsh, it’s your opinion, nothing wrong with that.

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  4. I can relate to the sponsor dilemma. Tomorrow will be my 60th day, second go around. The first time lasted 6 months. I tried AA meetings, way to religious and hooky for me and I don’t really have any friends or family to lean on. In that regards you are lucky, my husband still drinks, almost every night, and once he even asked me to stop and grab him beer on the way home. I feel more isolated now then when I was drinking, in fact I would even go as far as saying alcohol was a friend and once in awhile allowed me to be part of the group that is my reality. I am the only one who is not drinking and I would welcome regular, non god like support. Feel free to reach out whenever you need to and keep on fighting, no many how many times it takes.

    Liked by 1 person

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