Today I wake up with 19 days of sobriety. Not very exciting when you’ve woken up to 19 days a handful of times. It’s at least a start and I’m doing something about it. I’m in an outpatient treatment program again because there was a storm inside of me and it was killing all the flowers.
I struggle with extended family relationships and am most happy when I don’t have to deal with outside bullshit. I can’t keep holding grudges against family members that I think should act or behave different. I struggle with my only sibling and the lack of a relationship that we have. I blame that on the way we were raised. Excuses were always made for him because being brought up in a divorced house, a boy needs his dad, but a daughter doesn’t. Well that’s ridiculous! When my brother didn’t want to deal with me, he didn’t have to. If we fought, I’d have to get a ride to school from someone else even though we were going to the same place. All my life I was looked at by my older brother as nothing more than a fuck up. We are 3 years apart and we don’t really have any communication ever. He’s got his own issues like he did when we were kids and teenagers. But nothing is ever addressed like it wasn’t addressed as kids. Well, I try and live my life as vocal as possible because I fight to make all aspects of my younger years as different as possible for my own growth. I do that for me. I’ll save all of this for my next post.
The fact is that I’m grateful for another new beginning and a supportive husband and my 3 daughters. They are my everything and they believe in me even when I make mistakes and bad decisions. I’m working on getting a sponsor. I’m taking one day at a time and I’m continuing to forgive myself and learning to love me. I find that reading other people’s stories and events help me understand this whole alcoholism disease a bit better and blogging myself helps me get it out of my mind.
“Nothing changes if nothing changes…..” Shits changing!
This past Thursday marked 3 months of sobriety for me. I’ve been at this point one other time and it was as exciting as it was the first go round for me and my family. The last 3 weeks have been mentally, emotionally and physically tiring for me. The kids are down to one week left of school, my tennis league try-outs are finally finished and I felt like my critics were draining me of what my biggest supporters were trying to give me.
My kids and my husband surprised me with recovery chips. I don’t know about how everyone else feels about these but these chips to me are frickin gold!!!! They’re pieces to look at and touch to remind me of my struggle. It sucks because just as soon as I think staying sober becomes easy, it becomes tough and exhausting and then I’m reminded that the struggle is real. Real tough and really fcked up that I have to fight this battle. Poor me, why me? Right? Then I remind myself that feeling sorry for myself weakens my spirit and a weak spirit reaches for that drink. Then I think of all the doubters, all my critics. We all know what happens to that person….throw them in with the wolves and they come out leading the pack.
I’m leading the pack right now and I will continue to. I couldn’t do it without my stubborn attitude and the abundance of love and support I receive every day from my husband and girls. I actually couldn’t do it without the negative shits either! They make me stronger!
The bird for the doubters! Sometimes you just have to……
If you haven’t watched Boyhood, you need to. I had no idea there were several parts involving alcohol abuse in many contexts. It pretty much covered how drinking involves making numerous bad decisions, how it turns you into a charming individual to get your way only to shatter that image by showing your true asshole colors and how it numbs the abuser and those involved in the relationship with the drinker. I wanted to put my hands over my eyes and make a tiny spot I could look through as if I was watching a horror movie. There were several parts to this movie I identified with. This scene pulled heartstrings. Even though she’s not the alcoholic, marriage ending in divorce, failed attempts at happiness, low self esteem etc has robbed her of enjoying important moments in her life with her children and herself. It’s sad.
The Professor husband that Patricia Arquette marries is pretty much an alcoholic douchebag. He is mentally & physically abusive. I identified with him literally having no patience at all when he would drink. It’s as if he thinks he’s enjoying himself but reality is that he is miserable and hates himself. It shows by the way he interacts with his family. The scene where he’s yelling at the kids saying that there needs to line that they can’t cross anymore and he’s telling his wife that she needs to back him up on this. She responds by saying something like she understands but also reminds him that he has so many rules and lines that he doesn’t want anyone crossing. When you drink you just have no tolerance. No tolerance to alcohol, no tolerance for anything. That’s no way to live life. I want to have tolerance, not drinking gives me that.
Life is fast and I feel like the older I get, the faster it goes. When I’m sober I soak it all in for what it’s worth and I enjoy the moments I have with my kids. The little things become huge and when my soul is happy like this, life becomes pretty god damn rad! When I drink, I cannot see light. The glass is half empty, days become short and I never enjoy the little things that matter the most and I bath in selfishness.
Watch Boyhood. See the positive points that the son makes about social media and relationships and watch how ugly alcohol can make somebody and the effects it has on a family. Walk away knowing the difference between right and wrong and keep counting your sober days.
Trust me, I've been there, I've looked, I've searched and I know now, that there are no answers to be found in the bottom of a bottle or on the edge of a blade! Fighting Hard, Recovering, Rebuilding, REBORN. Moving on from addiction to a new life.