Riding out the storm and kicking ass!

Life has been stormy over the last few weeks but I’ve got 89 days of sobriety and thankful for everything that comes and goes in my life.

My grandma passed away a week ago and my heart hasn’t hurt this bad in a long time. Feeling thankful for all the time I’ve spent with her over these past few months. I miss the simple things like being able to pick up the phone to just tell her I was thinking of her.

Another huge event is we are moving 200 miles away from family and friends. My hubby had accepted a job offer with his work to relocate. We are all very excited for this new adventure but shit gets real after seeing the last moving truck take the rest of our stuff away yesterday. So many memories in our home over the last 15 years. We brought home 3 baby girls and watched them grow but it’s time we have new adventures and memories in our new home in SLO Cal. Crazy thing is I went to school at Cal Poly and when I left there at 22 I had no idea I’d be moving back 20 years later with a family.

I’m feeling good and have worked on digging deep again the past 3 months in my outpatient treatment program. I think blogging will be huge in this transition of life so I hope I don’t drive anyone crazy! Looking forward to updating you all on our new adventure!

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Booze 1, Jen 0

  Today I wake up with 19 days of sobriety. Not very exciting when you’ve woken up to 19 days a handful of times. It’s at least a start and I’m doing something about it. I’m in an outpatient treatment program again because there was a storm inside of me and it was killing all the flowers.

I struggle with extended family relationships and am most happy when I don’t have to deal with outside bullshit. I can’t keep holding grudges against family members that I think should act or behave different. I struggle with my only sibling and the lack of a relationship that we have. I blame that on the way we were raised. Excuses were always made for him because being brought up in a divorced house, a boy needs his dad, but a daughter doesn’t. Well that’s ridiculous! When my brother didn’t want to deal with me, he didn’t have to. If we fought, I’d have to get a ride to school from someone else even though we were going to the same place. All my life I was looked at by my older brother as nothing more than a fuck up. We are 3 years apart and we don’t really have any communication ever. He’s got his own issues like he did when we were kids and teenagers. But nothing is ever addressed like it wasn’t addressed as kids. Well, I try and live my life as vocal as possible because I fight to make all aspects of my younger years as different as possible for my own growth. I do that for me. I’ll save all of this for my next post.

The fact is that I’m grateful for another new beginning and a supportive husband and my 3 daughters. They are my everything and they believe in me even when I make mistakes and bad decisions. I’m working on getting a sponsor. I’m taking one day at a time and I’m continuing to forgive myself and learning to love me. I find that reading other people’s stories and events help me understand this whole alcoholism disease a bit better and blogging myself helps me get it out of my mind.

“Nothing changes if nothing changes…..” Shits changing!

Cheers,

Jen

In the funk, out of the funk…..it’s funkin’ driving me crazy!

imageBeen trying to shake the “funk” I have felt all week long. Being a woman isn’t always easy mood wise. Add sobriety, motherhood, life and everything else you juggle in there and it’s a recipe for an emotional breakdown every once in a while. I need quiet time. Quiet time is what helps refuel my zen and helps me function at 110% no matter what veers in my direction. My problem is that I’m not the best at deciding which text messages to respond to at a later time, how to cut off lengthy face to face conversations with other moms I run into at my kids school, how to say no, which phone calls not to answer and how to not go from having patience to becoming a complete stress case in 2 seconds.

The good thing is that I’m not using any of this as a way to sabotage my sobriety. None of this funk has made me think about needing a drink in order to deal or as a way to relax. It actually creates a fire within me that burns at the right times. It ignites before I workout and when I pick up my racquet before I walk out on the tennis court. These are a couple things I do to fight back when I’m pissy and these are 2 things I do to make me feel good period. I’d go crazy without them.

Despite the funk that was sprinkled on top of a pretty good week, it was overall good. 2 of my daughters were in the school talent show Friday night. It was fun seeing them so excited about dancing around on stage with their friends. I sat there watching, thinking how quickly they are growing up. I love and appreciate their unique, individual personalities. Even when I find them challenging. I was also thankful for my sobriety. I was physically, mentally & emotionally there and sober! Thursday was good too. My usual tennis inter club match day. The typical, let’s win and celebrate day. The kind of celebrating that ends in a black out. The day where I forget everything. The day I let the alcoholic take over my world and sadden, disappoint and destroy my family. We got a team win and my doubles partner and I battled (2-6, 6-1, 7-6) and won. It was also a celebration in my mind that this is the last match of the season that I have to play with her. She’s a total alcoholic who does not want to own it. She shows up about 40 minutes after the rest of us do. Looks torn back, probably hung over and only has about 5 minutes to warm up.  A year ago when we decided to be doubles partners, I had no idea that I was walking into all of this. Maybe it was a blessing in disguise. I’ve never been in a “relationship” with an alcoholic. When I started to play inter club everyone warned me that your on & off court relationship becomes a marriage and ending it is like a divorce. This made me laugh. No way! Well….it was. Things were great on Thursdays as long as I was along side her throwing drinks back and I have felt the resentment from her beginning in January when I told her I will be trying out for the following season with my ex (partner). Resentment since I’ve become sober too. I haven’t told her what I’m doing to change my life in order to not lose my family because I don’t feel I need to let her into my new world. She should try it though because hydrating with water between sets works much better than vodka.  Besides match days, I’ve been avoiding her like the plague. I’m happy to be free of that toxic on court relationship.

The not so funk is the fact that I’ve got 44 days of sobriety! I’m sleeping better and have no regrets! I’m present and I’m a believer that the worst day sober is way better than the best day drunk. Yesterday, my oldest daughter M and I went to a mother/daughter event that her girls group planned. It was awesome! Perfect bonding time. We danced, sang songs, made crafts, asked each other questions we never asked each other, took silly pictures, had lunch and made s’mores. I’m proud of what an incredible young lady she is. My favorite moment was decorating a journal for her and me to write in. The purpose of this journal is to write letters, doodle, write about past memories and dream together about the future. I love this idea and we have already started writing in it. I’m excited about this opportunity to have with her and will definitely be doing this with my younger 2 and think it would be fun for them to do with their dad as well.

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 Even through the funk, I’m believing that my recovery is the greatest gift I can give to my family. I need to realize that there will be times that are not spectacular. Times that will not have “wow” moments. Funk will show up to keep things real and teach me to grow, teach me to handle situations with grace rather than choosing to ignore. I’m an alcoholic, I’m continually looking for my next high. It’s brutal. Cheers to honesty, living one day at a time, courage to change the things I can and accepting things I cannot change.

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Addiction vs. Recovery

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If this isn’t dead on, I don’t know what is. Even though I’ve been down this road before, I feel like I’m doing sobriety better. Ever watch a movie or read a book for the 2nd time and see details you didn’t see the 1st time? Well, that’s how I’m feeling and I’m thoroughly LOVING it! I’m trying not to get caught up in the excitement of finding myself but I looked in to the mirror yesterday and didn’t want to throw a rock at my image. I told myself good job. Fck! I complimented myself!!!! I usually would’ve thought something sarcastic. This new place is feeling pretty good. Baby steps. No rushing. I’ve got the rest of my life to get to know me.

Amazing how this blogging is educational, healing, scary, exciting, keeps you accountable, offers inspiration and helps you with your fears. This is all I’ve got time for this morning. Kick a$$ today!