Life has been stormy over the last few weeks but I’ve got 89 days of sobriety and thankful for everything that comes and goes in my life.
My grandma passed away a week ago and my heart hasn’t hurt this bad in a long time. Feeling thankful for all the time I’ve spent with her over these past few months. I miss the simple things like being able to pick up the phone to just tell her I was thinking of her.
Another huge event is we are moving 200 miles away from family and friends. My hubby had accepted a job offer with his work to relocate. We are all very excited for this new adventure but shit gets real after seeing the last moving truck take the rest of our stuff away yesterday. So many memories in our home over the last 15 years. We brought home 3 baby girls and watched them grow but it’s time we have new adventures and memories in our new home in SLO Cal. Crazy thing is I went to school at Cal Poly and when I left there at 22 I had no idea I’d be moving back 20 years later with a family.
I’m feeling good and have worked on digging deep again the past 3 months in my outpatient treatment program. I think blogging will be huge in this transition of life so I hope I don’t drive anyone crazy! Looking forward to updating you all on our new adventure!
Today I wake up with 19 days of sobriety. Not very exciting when you’ve woken up to 19 days a handful of times. It’s at least a start and I’m doing something about it. I’m in an outpatient treatment program again because there was a storm inside of me and it was killing all the flowers.
I struggle with extended family relationships and am most happy when I don’t have to deal with outside bullshit. I can’t keep holding grudges against family members that I think should act or behave different. I struggle with my only sibling and the lack of a relationship that we have. I blame that on the way we were raised. Excuses were always made for him because being brought up in a divorced house, a boy needs his dad, but a daughter doesn’t. Well that’s ridiculous! When my brother didn’t want to deal with me, he didn’t have to. If we fought, I’d have to get a ride to school from someone else even though we were going to the same place. All my life I was looked at by my older brother as nothing more than a fuck up. We are 3 years apart and we don’t really have any communication ever. He’s got his own issues like he did when we were kids and teenagers. But nothing is ever addressed like it wasn’t addressed as kids. Well, I try and live my life as vocal as possible because I fight to make all aspects of my younger years as different as possible for my own growth. I do that for me. I’ll save all of this for my next post.
The fact is that I’m grateful for another new beginning and a supportive husband and my 3 daughters. They are my everything and they believe in me even when I make mistakes and bad decisions. I’m working on getting a sponsor. I’m taking one day at a time and I’m continuing to forgive myself and learning to love me. I find that reading other people’s stories and events help me understand this whole alcoholism disease a bit better and blogging myself helps me get it out of my mind.
“Nothing changes if nothing changes…..” Shits changing!
This past Thursday marked 3 months of sobriety for me. I’ve been at this point one other time and it was as exciting as it was the first go round for me and my family. The last 3 weeks have been mentally, emotionally and physically tiring for me. The kids are down to one week left of school, my tennis league try-outs are finally finished and I felt like my critics were draining me of what my biggest supporters were trying to give me.
My kids and my husband surprised me with recovery chips. I don’t know about how everyone else feels about these but these chips to me are frickin gold!!!! They’re pieces to look at and touch to remind me of my struggle. It sucks because just as soon as I think staying sober becomes easy, it becomes tough and exhausting and then I’m reminded that the struggle is real. Real tough and really fcked up that I have to fight this battle. Poor me, why me? Right? Then I remind myself that feeling sorry for myself weakens my spirit and a weak spirit reaches for that drink. Then I think of all the doubters, all my critics. We all know what happens to that person….throw them in with the wolves and they come out leading the pack.
I’m leading the pack right now and I will continue to. I couldn’t do it without my stubborn attitude and the abundance of love and support I receive every day from my husband and girls. I actually couldn’t do it without the negative shits either! They make me stronger!
The bird for the doubters! Sometimes you just have to……
Trust me, I've been there, I've looked, I've searched and I know now, that there are no answers to be found in the bottom of a bottle or on the edge of a blade! Fighting Hard, Recovering, Rebuilding, REBORN. Moving on from addiction to a new life.