For years, I couldn’t watch A&E’s Intervention. I was uncomfortable relating to many of the same things I was watching. Why would I want to draw more attention to my addiction that I wasn’t yet ready to admit was a problem? I watch it now. My throat gets tight, my stomach sour and sometimes my eyes fill up with tears.
Last night, while watching an episode of two female alcoholics it dawned on me that most of the time these addicts started their battle just like me, taking their first drink at an early age. Coming from a divorced family where one parent becomes absent from their life. Then comes the blended family and family members stating facts of the addicts early years and the troubles that were faced.
One of the addicts says something to the effect that she has grown to hate alcohol, that she doesn’t even like it. I can relate. It gets to the point that it doesn’t even taste good. Probably because of the taste it leaves in my mouth the next morning, the pain I see in my husband’s and kid’s eyes and because of the toll it takes.
When I started this blog, I promised myself I would not hold back on what hurts me no matter who reads this for fear that I would upset someone I love. The sober me doesn’t want to hurt anyone. The intoxicated me doesn’t care.
Sobriety makes me feel everything. My mind is sensitive as well as my heart. I was upset last night. How could I be in such a good place and Bam! Like a switch. I’m angry, resentful and not really at peace. I vent to my husband because I trust him. He’s heard it all before. Again & again. Over & over. I cry. I cry hard. Crying sometimes makes me feel uncomfortable. Shows I’m weak. Admits I’m hurt. Makes me feel foolish. I hate that. Hate brings on resentment and there you have it, a vicious cycle.
Talking to certain people or even seeing certain people make me question myself. I understand the whole, you allow people to make you feel a particular way. When they’re friends it’s easier to do than when it’s family. My expectations on how a family should be with each person having an exact role and behavior must be where this blows up for me. Are my expectations too high? Are they insane? Wrong? I need to be comfortable with the fact that just because I’m making changes doesn’t mean everyone else needs to be on board. I need to get over it, reset boundaries and realize this is not going to change. Ever.
I struggle with a couple relationships. I dream they become different. I even wish. I’m admitting that I am powerless to make these relationships different. C’mon, how much more time can I spend trying or hoping things are the way I hope for? When people tell you to trust that everything’s going to work out I want to storm off. Hello! Trust is hard for me. So more importantly, I’m learning to focus on me being 100% present for my daughters and husband. Eventually every storm runs out of rain? Right? I want the calm and I want it really bad. I don’t want to look back 10 years from now and realize that I wasted time I had with my kids by living in a state of perpetual distraction.
I’m learning from my mistakes. Repeating them over and over would be insanity. I won’t go there.