51 days and some things are “Still the Same”…

Day 51 for me and I’m really feeling like my attempts of trying to let go of certain things is beginning to work. Still struggling with other things I want to let go of but I’m getting there.

I was getting some stuff done around the house the other day and I had the music loud. I love music. I consistently have it on and enjoy all types. On this day I had shuffled the music and Bob Seager’s Still the Same plays. I love that song but it made me think of my real father….you know, that real a$$hole. When I was probably about 4 years old, my uncle, my Dad’s brother, lived with us for a short period of time and what I remember about that was a guy who took time to hangout with my brother and I. He’d build some pretty cool stuff out of tinker toys and he loved listening to Bob Seager.

A year and a half ago I had finally built up the courage to call my Dad. Let’s just refer to him by Jim. He doesn’t deserve me referring to him as my Dad because he never knew how to be one. Anyhow, I called Jim, he answered and I let him know that I had to build up the courage to make this phone call for a few years. Let him know I had 3 daughters and all I wanted was to hopefully meet up and possibly have him see my daughters. My daughters ask a lot of questions as to why I don’t have a Dad. I was hoping to somehow find some light on how to bring closure to this conversation. They have a loving dad in their life who loves them hard each and every day and I’m thankful they are growing up not knowing any different. Jim obviously has no idea how deep the pain is that I’ve had to endure my whole life due to him not being in my life. To make a long story short, after I explain and try to set up getting together he talks…..he says that he’s not interested in seeing me and therefore seeing my daughters isn’t going to happen either because of not calling him back or by reaching out sooner. So there goes me trying to show them this person who I probably resemble. He says that he had left a message on the recorder probably when I was something like 12 to invite my brother and I to see him and his wife get married. Because I didn’t call him back 29 years prior, he finds that a reason to drive that knife in my heart further. Go Jim! What a man you are….not. Anyhow, I express that he’s got to be kidding me and manage to get off of the phone before he can hear my emotions.  I’m not sure if I cried because of the thought that a parent could do this to their child no matter what their age is, if it was because I had been wanting to know where I stood in his life and it was crystal clear at that moment or if it was because I was really hoping to have some kind of relationship with him. Probably a little of all of those thoughts. That would be the last time I will ever hear his voice or share a conversation ever. Does that hurt? Yes. Interesting enough, he must had called my uncle because later that afternoon I get a message from him hoping to arrange to see me and my family. Although he has a heart and I appreciated that, I really don’t want anything to do with that side of the family. It wasn’t my uncles job to make me feel better. What really gets to me though is the many times I’d hear from people that a girl really only needs her mom. A girl needs both and if you have both or had both growing up you wouldn’t really understand how it feels. I’m hoping that being honest with my feelings about Jim on this blog helps free me from the emptiness that he has put in me all these years. Hell, I might even drop him a letter and a copy of this. You’re an a$$hole, you’re a quitter and a coward. I just don’t want to own the ill feelings associated with him any longer. I’ve held onto them for too long and I’m done. Which reminds me of a few more feelings he left for me to feel for way too long. Like the time he had me for the weekend and got so drunk that he left me at a get together at one of his friends houses. I was probably 7 years old and for the longest time I thought he left knowing he left me behind. Years later I understood what all those Coors beers did to his brain and understood what alcoholism was. But thanks for the gift of insecurity and abandonment. The Dude gets an A+. He still is and will always be the same….I however won’t.

Getting this out feels uplifting and a bit of calmness is setting in. It’s a bit of relief to not hold it in. Plus it makes me realize that my sobriety is gold in my kids world. I can’t take back past mistakes but I can continue this path and create positive, healthy, great memories for me & my daughters. Cheers to one day at a time!

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Cry a river. Build a bridge. Get over it.

imageFor years, I couldn’t watch A&E’s Intervention. I was uncomfortable relating to many of the same things I was watching. Why would I want to draw more attention to my addiction that I wasn’t yet ready to admit was a problem? I watch it now. My throat gets tight, my stomach sour and sometimes my eyes fill up with tears.

Last night, while watching an episode of two female alcoholics it dawned on me that most of the time these addicts started their battle just like me, taking their first drink at an early age. Coming from a divorced family where one parent becomes absent from their life. Then comes the blended family and family members stating facts of the addicts early years and the troubles that were faced.

One of the addicts says something to the effect that she has grown to hate alcohol, that she doesn’t even like it. I can relate. It gets to the point that it doesn’t even taste good. Probably because of the taste it leaves in my mouth the next morning, the pain I see in my husband’s and kid’s eyes and because of the toll it takes.

Freaky!

When I started this blog, I promised myself I would not hold back on what hurts me no matter who reads this for fear that I would upset someone I love. The sober me doesn’t want to hurt anyone. The intoxicated me doesn’t care.

Sobriety makes me feel everything. My mind is sensitive as well as my heart. I was upset last night. How could I be in such a good place and Bam! Like a switch. I’m angry, resentful and not really at peace. I vent to my husband because I trust him. He’s heard it all before. Again & again. Over & over. I cry. I cry hard. Crying sometimes makes me feel uncomfortable. Shows I’m weak. Admits I’m hurt. Makes me feel foolish. I hate that. Hate brings on resentment and there you have it, a vicious cycle.

Talking to certain people or even seeing certain people make me question myself. I understand the whole, you allow people to make you feel a particular way. When they’re friends it’s easier to do than when it’s family. My expectations on how a family should be with each person having an exact role and behavior must be where this blows up for me. Are my expectations too high? Are they insane? Wrong? I need to be comfortable with the fact that just because I’m making changes doesn’t mean everyone else needs to be on board. I need to get over it, reset boundaries and realize this is not going to change. Ever.

I struggle with a couple relationships. I dream they become different. I even wish. I’m admitting that I am powerless to make these relationships different. C’mon, how much more time can I spend trying or hoping things are the way I hope for? When people tell you to trust that everything’s going to work out I want to storm off. Hello! Trust is hard for me. So more importantly, I’m learning to focus on me being 100% present for my daughters and husband. Eventually every storm runs out of rain? Right? I want the calm and I want it really bad. I don’t want to look back 10 years from now and realize that I wasted time I had with my kids by living in a state of perpetual distraction.

I’m learning from my mistakes. Repeating them over and over would be insanity. I won’t go there.

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Addiction vs. Recovery

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If this isn’t dead on, I don’t know what is. Even though I’ve been down this road before, I feel like I’m doing sobriety better. Ever watch a movie or read a book for the 2nd time and see details you didn’t see the 1st time? Well, that’s how I’m feeling and I’m thoroughly LOVING it! I’m trying not to get caught up in the excitement of finding myself but I looked in to the mirror yesterday and didn’t want to throw a rock at my image. I told myself good job. Fck! I complimented myself!!!! I usually would’ve thought something sarcastic. This new place is feeling pretty good. Baby steps. No rushing. I’ve got the rest of my life to get to know me.

Amazing how this blogging is educational, healing, scary, exciting, keeps you accountable, offers inspiration and helps you with your fears. This is all I’ve got time for this morning. Kick a$$ today!

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I am a champion, you’re gonna hear me roar!

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My sobriety time is growing and so am I. I’m addicted to organizing anything impossibly can in my home right now. The only problem I see with that is just wanting to stay in so I can keep doing it. As I organize, I find things to clean. Hidden things nobody but me would see, but I clean it anyway. Why? It makes me feel good! In between all of this 2 of my daughters are practicing for their school talent show. “H” is dancing to Katy Perry’s, “Roar”. I totally get the whole I’m a champion, louder than a lion….you’re gonna hear me rooooaaaaar!” Somehow seeing her sing these words with her dance moves gives me another reason amongst a few thousand to stay on the sobriety path. She’s my little cub and damn it, we will all be roaring!

I’m thoroughly enjoying blogging and reading everyone’s words that they share. Super gratifying! It feels good to be happy and not feel like I want to find a reason to get pissed off so I can possibly have some lame excuse to taste a drink that will lead to a blackout and tear down the trust wall with my family. I have flaws and that’s ok because I’m fierce and strong and im going to continue to make sobriety my bitch!

Happy St. Patty’s day!

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1 month down, sobriety is the new skinny

My mind may be sober, but my soul is high….

 

Friday the 13th, a milestone occurred. Yesterday marked 4 weeks of sobriety for me. Honestly, not too thrilling because I’ve celebrated this exact moment in 2009. Been there, done that. However,  I did it! I reminded myself everyday, several times per day that I no longer let alcohol make my decisions. I make the decisions.

There have been highs & lows and everything in between. I’m starting to sleep well, I’m more optimistic, opportunistic and organized. I have a little more patience. I’m utilizing my free time better. I’m motivated. I’m winning!

I had my first ever drunk dream Thursday night.  What a nightmare! Woke up from it and I felt so empty and dark. Completely realistic. I just stared at the ceiling for a moment and quickly realized I dreamt it. Thank fcking God!!!!! I think the alcoholic screws with your mind purposely to test your strength at times. Maybe it’s it’s just a simple reminder on how drinking makes you feel the next day after a black out because not remembering really sucks!

My hubby surprised me & the kids by bringing home cupcakes like we had done many times when I first got sober. For us, sobriety is a big deal. It’s a birthday celebrating life. I’m enjoying the waves of change, welcoming the new relationship I’m slowly developing with myself and learning to handle situations that usually send me into an uproar with finesse. I’m digging this! I’m digging blogging too and discovering others stories of addiction as well. It’s healing and empowering at the same time.

I listen to a lot of music. I find bits and pieces in songs and sometimes those bits and pieces become meaningful to me regardless of what the artist intended. Coldplay’s song, Yellow has some meaning.

I swam across, I jumped across for you……..I drew a line, I drew a line for you……for you I’d bleed myself dry, I’d bleed myself dry for you. I see this song as the “you” being the alcohol. Alcohol became a sick love affair that makes you go through great measures. Lines are crossed with the people you love the most. It sucks the life right out of you, you bleed yourself dry. It’s no way to live. You’re confined. But then the song goes into saying how “you” turn into something beautiful. That beautiful thing for me is sobriety and sobriety truly is a gift. I’m enjoying my family and will continue to enjoy living in the moment. When you look at the stars, they really do shine for you. 🙂

Looks like Josh Hamilton has his priorities jacked up

Ooops he did it again! Wonder if he was upset over his current 5 year $125 million contract? I think his priorities are screwed up. His priorities should be in this order:

  1. sobriety
  2. family
  3. humility
  4. God
  5. baseball

Without sobriety he’ll lose his family and soon enough end his baseball career. I don’t think we as alcoholics understand the true meaning of humility. If we did then 2nd chances should never lead us to 3rd, 4th and other numerous chances. I don’t get why people continue to put this dude, named God above our families. God’s divine plan puts priorities in order this way:

  1. God
  2. Marriage
  3. Family
  4. Church
  5. Government

I am a Catholic but honestly, I think the whole religion is crazy. I refuse to be brainwashed into believing what is right for me because this is the way it’s supposed to be because the Bible says so! I need to do what’s right because of what my heart feels and luckily I have a conscience that can take charge when my heart is too soft and can give me the power of wisdom to know the difference between right and wrong when I’m sober.

What would I say to Josh if we were friends? I’d say a lot because we both have the same disease. I get it. But come on! Shit or get off the pot. This isn’t your first rodeo either buddy. So let me ask you these questions:

  1. WTF did you learn after the last few relapses?
  2. Aren’t your kids worth you staying clean & sober?
  3. If having accountability friends with you daily worked, why would you change that up?
  4. Did it occur to you that you also let down your whole team as well as fan base?
  5. Maybe you should google your name and add relapse too and check out the demoralizing pics all over the Internet so you can remember what this shit does to your life.

Three years ago, I went to see San Francisco play Texas. Hamilton was still playing for the Rangers and each time he took left field the relentless crowd would start in yelling awful things. You need some vodka to catch that fly ball? You want some coke to make you faster? Go cheat on your wife buddy! Mean shit. I was embarrassed that fellow Giants fans had lowered themselves down to a class that that didn’t define what a Giants fan ought to be. I was also sober at that time and thought well, if these terrible chants aren’t enough to remind him of a wicked past then this dude might have more issues than Vogue. This is a terrible disease and I don’t wish the struggles it comes along with on anyone. Outsiders are quick to judge and we can’t control that, it comes along with the territory. It sucks! It sucks to see disappointment on loved ones faces, sucks to look in the mirror the morning after, sucks to share your soul with this inside stranger who is an alcoholic and some days it sucks to try to be positive about the whole sobriety process.

Alcohol does not discriminate. It doesn’t care what age, gender or religion you are. It stands there waiting with open arms, invites you in and goes for the kill. The fight isn’t easy but the fight is worth it. TKO!!! Float like a butterfly and sting like a bee when you fight for each day of sobriety……

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 A man who views his world at fifty the same way as he did at twenty, has wasted 30 years of his life- Muhammad Ali

Don’t be that person that wakes up realizing you’ve wasted 30 years of your life. Remind yourself every damn day you are fighting and count each day. Live like a champ!

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Boyhood-The Movie

 

If you haven’t watched Boyhood, you need to. I had no idea there were several parts involving alcohol abuse in many contexts. It pretty much covered how drinking involves making numerous bad decisions, how it turns you into a charming individual to get your way only to shatter that image by showing your true asshole colors and how it numbs the abuser and those involved in the relationship with the drinker. I wanted to put my hands over my eyes and make a tiny spot I could look through as if I was watching a horror movie. There were several parts to this movie I identified with. This scene pulled heartstrings. Even though she’s not the alcoholic, marriage ending in divorce, failed attempts at happiness, low self esteem etc has robbed her of enjoying important moments in her life with her children and herself. It’s sad.

The Professor husband that Patricia Arquette marries is pretty much an alcoholic douchebag. He is mentally & physically abusive. I identified with him literally having no patience at all when he would drink. It’s as if he thinks he’s enjoying himself but reality is that he is miserable and hates himself. It shows by the way he interacts with his family. The scene where he’s yelling at the kids saying that there needs to line that they can’t cross anymore and he’s telling his wife that she needs to back him up on this. She responds by saying something like she understands but also reminds him that he has so many rules and lines that he doesn’t want anyone crossing. When you drink you just have no tolerance. No tolerance to alcohol, no tolerance for anything. That’s no way to live life. I want to have tolerance, not drinking gives me that.

Life is fast and I feel like the older I get, the faster it goes. When I’m sober I soak it all in for what it’s worth and I enjoy the moments I have with my kids. The little things become huge and when my soul is happy like this, life becomes pretty god damn rad! When I drink, I cannot see light. The glass is half empty, days become short and I never enjoy the little things that matter the most and I bath in selfishness.

Watch Boyhood. See the positive points that the son makes about social media and relationships and watch how ugly alcohol can make somebody and the effects it has on a family. Walk away knowing the difference between right and wrong and keep counting your sober days.