If you cannot accept me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my best
Drinking kills relationships. Drinking creates relationships. You have decide which of those two relationships are more important. For me, I’m going to salvage the relationships that drinking tries to or has killed. Drinking randomly here and there over the last 18 months has reminded me who really cares about me. I’m not the kind of person that tries to test peoples loyalty to me either. I don’t do that. But I can tell you who is still there for me when I’m at my best even though I’ve shown them the worst of me.
Why in the world would I ever give a shit about people who talk about me behind my back, judge me after I walk away or literally have anything to say about my life if I’m not present? I’m working on not putting any energy into people who do this. The problem is these guys are the ones who focus on everyone else so they can forget about their crappy lives or habits that they need to fix. They think if they get the attention off of themselves by bringing down another person then nobody including themselves will notice their imperfections. Back in September, I went from zero to hot mess in 5 seconds. I play tennis with a large group of women that vary in age from about 30ish up to 80. Anyhow, we were celebrating a birthday and I of course went above and beyond as usual. Thank God, one of these ladies decided to drive my car and even pick my kids up from school. But I don’t remember any of this. The point is that I was so grateful of her caring enough about my kids and me that she took the time to do this. But now, she brings that situation up every damn time I see her. She has also decided it would be a great idea to also create a wild fire by telling the biggest gossip spreaders of the club the same story. I deserve dirty looks. I own the bad behavior and decisions I made that day by drinking. But I don’t think it’s fair when someone uses the situation against me by burning me by acting like a friend but then decides to tell the whole negative Nelly tennis ladies my business.
The above is just another way drinking has calloused a relationship. Another reason to stay sober. But the positive side is that drinking has helped me identify those that I can trust, continue to trust, who to wwalk away from and those who don’t deserve to be in my life. I have a burning desire to put that energy into my 3 kids who deserve a sober Mommy. A sober Mommy who is present for them, a role model for them and they deserve nothing but the best of me. My youngest has been home sick from school and has to take breathing treatments. Anyhow, this morning I was taking off the mask and it got tangled with her headphones she wore. I said something about them being connected to her iPad and she turned and hugged me and said,
Mommy, I always want to be connected to you…
My little girl just moved a mountain in my eyes, and confirmed the whole worst & best thing. Day 20 sober….totally worth it.