In the funk, out of the funk…..it’s funkin’ driving me crazy!

imageBeen trying to shake the “funk” I have felt all week long. Being a woman isn’t always easy mood wise. Add sobriety, motherhood, life and everything else you juggle in there and it’s a recipe for an emotional breakdown every once in a while. I need quiet time. Quiet time is what helps refuel my zen and helps me function at 110% no matter what veers in my direction. My problem is that I’m not the best at deciding which text messages to respond to at a later time, how to cut off lengthy face to face conversations with other moms I run into at my kids school, how to say no, which phone calls not to answer and how to not go from having patience to becoming a complete stress case in 2 seconds.

The good thing is that I’m not using any of this as a way to sabotage my sobriety. None of this funk has made me think about needing a drink in order to deal or as a way to relax. It actually creates a fire within me that burns at the right times. It ignites before I workout and when I pick up my racquet before I walk out on the tennis court. These are a couple things I do to fight back when I’m pissy and these are 2 things I do to make me feel good period. I’d go crazy without them.

Despite the funk that was sprinkled on top of a pretty good week, it was overall good. 2 of my daughters were in the school talent show Friday night. It was fun seeing them so excited about dancing around on stage with their friends. I sat there watching, thinking how quickly they are growing up. I love and appreciate their unique, individual personalities. Even when I find them challenging. I was also thankful for my sobriety. I was physically, mentally & emotionally there and sober! Thursday was good too. My usual tennis inter club match day. The typical, let’s win and celebrate day. The kind of celebrating that ends in a black out. The day where I forget everything. The day I let the alcoholic take over my world and sadden, disappoint and destroy my family. We got a team win and my doubles partner and I battled (2-6, 6-1, 7-6) and won. It was also a celebration in my mind that this is the last match of the season that I have to play with her. She’s a total alcoholic who does not want to own it. She shows up about 40 minutes after the rest of us do. Looks torn back, probably hung over and only has about 5 minutes to warm up.  A year ago when we decided to be doubles partners, I had no idea that I was walking into all of this. Maybe it was a blessing in disguise. I’ve never been in a “relationship” with an alcoholic. When I started to play inter club everyone warned me that your on & off court relationship becomes a marriage and ending it is like a divorce. This made me laugh. No way! Well….it was. Things were great on Thursdays as long as I was along side her throwing drinks back and I have felt the resentment from her beginning in January when I told her I will be trying out for the following season with my ex (partner). Resentment since I’ve become sober too. I haven’t told her what I’m doing to change my life in order to not lose my family because I don’t feel I need to let her into my new world. She should try it though because hydrating with water between sets works much better than vodka.  Besides match days, I’ve been avoiding her like the plague. I’m happy to be free of that toxic on court relationship.

The not so funk is the fact that I’ve got 44 days of sobriety! I’m sleeping better and have no regrets! I’m present and I’m a believer that the worst day sober is way better than the best day drunk. Yesterday, my oldest daughter M and I went to a mother/daughter event that her girls group planned. It was awesome! Perfect bonding time. We danced, sang songs, made crafts, asked each other questions we never asked each other, took silly pictures, had lunch and made s’mores. I’m proud of what an incredible young lady she is. My favorite moment was decorating a journal for her and me to write in. The purpose of this journal is to write letters, doodle, write about past memories and dream together about the future. I love this idea and we have already started writing in it. I’m excited about this opportunity to have with her and will definitely be doing this with my younger 2 and think it would be fun for them to do with their dad as well.

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 Even through the funk, I’m believing that my recovery is the greatest gift I can give to my family. I need to realize that there will be times that are not spectacular. Times that will not have “wow” moments. Funk will show up to keep things real and teach me to grow, teach me to handle situations with grace rather than choosing to ignore. I’m an alcoholic, I’m continually looking for my next high. It’s brutal. Cheers to honesty, living one day at a time, courage to change the things I can and accepting things I cannot change.

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Cry a river. Build a bridge. Get over it.

imageFor years, I couldn’t watch A&E’s Intervention. I was uncomfortable relating to many of the same things I was watching. Why would I want to draw more attention to my addiction that I wasn’t yet ready to admit was a problem? I watch it now. My throat gets tight, my stomach sour and sometimes my eyes fill up with tears.

Last night, while watching an episode of two female alcoholics it dawned on me that most of the time these addicts started their battle just like me, taking their first drink at an early age. Coming from a divorced family where one parent becomes absent from their life. Then comes the blended family and family members stating facts of the addicts early years and the troubles that were faced.

One of the addicts says something to the effect that she has grown to hate alcohol, that she doesn’t even like it. I can relate. It gets to the point that it doesn’t even taste good. Probably because of the taste it leaves in my mouth the next morning, the pain I see in my husband’s and kid’s eyes and because of the toll it takes.

Freaky!

When I started this blog, I promised myself I would not hold back on what hurts me no matter who reads this for fear that I would upset someone I love. The sober me doesn’t want to hurt anyone. The intoxicated me doesn’t care.

Sobriety makes me feel everything. My mind is sensitive as well as my heart. I was upset last night. How could I be in such a good place and Bam! Like a switch. I’m angry, resentful and not really at peace. I vent to my husband because I trust him. He’s heard it all before. Again & again. Over & over. I cry. I cry hard. Crying sometimes makes me feel uncomfortable. Shows I’m weak. Admits I’m hurt. Makes me feel foolish. I hate that. Hate brings on resentment and there you have it, a vicious cycle.

Talking to certain people or even seeing certain people make me question myself. I understand the whole, you allow people to make you feel a particular way. When they’re friends it’s easier to do than when it’s family. My expectations on how a family should be with each person having an exact role and behavior must be where this blows up for me. Are my expectations too high? Are they insane? Wrong? I need to be comfortable with the fact that just because I’m making changes doesn’t mean everyone else needs to be on board. I need to get over it, reset boundaries and realize this is not going to change. Ever.

I struggle with a couple relationships. I dream they become different. I even wish. I’m admitting that I am powerless to make these relationships different. C’mon, how much more time can I spend trying or hoping things are the way I hope for? When people tell you to trust that everything’s going to work out I want to storm off. Hello! Trust is hard for me. So more importantly, I’m learning to focus on me being 100% present for my daughters and husband. Eventually every storm runs out of rain? Right? I want the calm and I want it really bad. I don’t want to look back 10 years from now and realize that I wasted time I had with my kids by living in a state of perpetual distraction.

I’m learning from my mistakes. Repeating them over and over would be insanity. I won’t go there.

Sober Ambiguity: 13 Confusing Phrases

Awesome interpretation of what we tend to say during early sobriety and what it means vs. what it sounds like it means. Thank you sober identity.com 🙂

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Addiction vs. Recovery

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If this isn’t dead on, I don’t know what is. Even though I’ve been down this road before, I feel like I’m doing sobriety better. Ever watch a movie or read a book for the 2nd time and see details you didn’t see the 1st time? Well, that’s how I’m feeling and I’m thoroughly LOVING it! I’m trying not to get caught up in the excitement of finding myself but I looked in to the mirror yesterday and didn’t want to throw a rock at my image. I told myself good job. Fck! I complimented myself!!!! I usually would’ve thought something sarcastic. This new place is feeling pretty good. Baby steps. No rushing. I’ve got the rest of my life to get to know me.

Amazing how this blogging is educational, healing, scary, exciting, keeps you accountable, offers inspiration and helps you with your fears. This is all I’ve got time for this morning. Kick a$$ today!

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I am a champion, you’re gonna hear me roar!

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My sobriety time is growing and so am I. I’m addicted to organizing anything impossibly can in my home right now. The only problem I see with that is just wanting to stay in so I can keep doing it. As I organize, I find things to clean. Hidden things nobody but me would see, but I clean it anyway. Why? It makes me feel good! In between all of this 2 of my daughters are practicing for their school talent show. “H” is dancing to Katy Perry’s, “Roar”. I totally get the whole I’m a champion, louder than a lion….you’re gonna hear me rooooaaaaar!” Somehow seeing her sing these words with her dance moves gives me another reason amongst a few thousand to stay on the sobriety path. She’s my little cub and damn it, we will all be roaring!

I’m thoroughly enjoying blogging and reading everyone’s words that they share. Super gratifying! It feels good to be happy and not feel like I want to find a reason to get pissed off so I can possibly have some lame excuse to taste a drink that will lead to a blackout and tear down the trust wall with my family. I have flaws and that’s ok because I’m fierce and strong and im going to continue to make sobriety my bitch!

Happy St. Patty’s day!

Boyhood-The Movie

 

If you haven’t watched Boyhood, you need to. I had no idea there were several parts involving alcohol abuse in many contexts. It pretty much covered how drinking involves making numerous bad decisions, how it turns you into a charming individual to get your way only to shatter that image by showing your true asshole colors and how it numbs the abuser and those involved in the relationship with the drinker. I wanted to put my hands over my eyes and make a tiny spot I could look through as if I was watching a horror movie. There were several parts to this movie I identified with. This scene pulled heartstrings. Even though she’s not the alcoholic, marriage ending in divorce, failed attempts at happiness, low self esteem etc has robbed her of enjoying important moments in her life with her children and herself. It’s sad.

The Professor husband that Patricia Arquette marries is pretty much an alcoholic douchebag. He is mentally & physically abusive. I identified with him literally having no patience at all when he would drink. It’s as if he thinks he’s enjoying himself but reality is that he is miserable and hates himself. It shows by the way he interacts with his family. The scene where he’s yelling at the kids saying that there needs to line that they can’t cross anymore and he’s telling his wife that she needs to back him up on this. She responds by saying something like she understands but also reminds him that he has so many rules and lines that he doesn’t want anyone crossing. When you drink you just have no tolerance. No tolerance to alcohol, no tolerance for anything. That’s no way to live life. I want to have tolerance, not drinking gives me that.

Life is fast and I feel like the older I get, the faster it goes. When I’m sober I soak it all in for what it’s worth and I enjoy the moments I have with my kids. The little things become huge and when my soul is happy like this, life becomes pretty god damn rad! When I drink, I cannot see light. The glass is half empty, days become short and I never enjoy the little things that matter the most and I bath in selfishness.

Watch Boyhood. See the positive points that the son makes about social media and relationships and watch how ugly alcohol can make somebody and the effects it has on a family. Walk away knowing the difference between right and wrong and keep counting your sober days.

Counting My Rainbows, Not My Thunderstorms

Yesterday was one helluva day!

  • 3 weeks of sobriety
  • I turned 41
  • I counted my rainbows, not my thunderstorms
  • I realized and remembered how good sobriety feels

My day started off by getting downstairs to find the coolest beach cruiser ever!!!! Orange and black because I am the biggest SF Giants fan in NorCal! A gift from the girls and my hubby.

Went to workout with my trainer, it was leg day. It sucked but when I leave, I feel great! It’s a gorgeous day, sunroof open, windows down…. 70 degrees in March. Yes! Played a little bit of tennis, met my Mom for the best pedicure ever, picked up my 3 Chix from school and went on a bike ride. Hubby got home and we all ate pizza & watched Boyhood. Low key, just what I asked for and it was perfect!

This was the first day in a very long time where I literally soaked in all it had to offered and brought on. I lived in the moment, didn’t think about next week, didn’t look at the time, just lived right in that exact moment of time. The way more days should be spent. I also realized that the number of rainbows in my life kick ass over the few thunderstorms I’ve experienced. And without the thunderstorms there would be no rainbows. The little things are far more important than anything huge!