This is hard for me to put out there. I’m tired of stuffing this deep inside me. 5 days a week when I pick my 3 girls up from elementary school I think about the horrible mistakes I’ve made over and over again. I become a punching bag for me. I’d become a punching bag for many people if they knew I have picked up my kids at school after going on a drinking binge. It’s hard to swallow the fact that I’ve been behind the wheel of a car, allowing myself to go near a school with children everywhere and driving with my kids in the car.
It’s sick. It’s wrong. Horrible. Disgusting. What the FCK was I thinking? When the alcoholic took over, I wasn’t thinking. I didn’t care. Or at least I couldn’t care. My kids must have had the most ill feelings ever. How could someone they trust make them feel this way and put them in this situation. Lives at stake. I’m sick writing about this. I want to cry. But I don’t want to hold onto this any longer. I want to continue to heal. I’m owning everything I have done drunk. Writing this blog so far has been therapeutic.
There were 2 incidences this week that made my kids very leery. Wednesday, I spent some time with my Mom. It was much needed. Our relationship is a work in progress and I’m taking baby steps. I was driving her car, so we picked the kids up. They immediately got in her car, studied my eyes and were very inquisitive on why I was driving her car. Took a couple of minutes but we both wanted them to understand and feel secure as to why even though the answer was simple. The 2nd time was on Thursday. Thursday’s are my match days for the tennis team that I’m on. The match was out of town. On the way back, there was traffic, road construction and an accident. I called the school and let them know I wouldn’t be there until 10 minutes after school let out. I drive up to the school, my happiness sitting there waiting. Right before anyone opens a door, my oldest stares long and hard. I smile. She’s guarding her younger sisters making sure Mom isn’t late because of vodka induced crazy eyes. Thursday’s have been historically drunk days. I play my match, we win and celebrate. They get into the car and I explain why I’m late. I ask what he best part of their day was, as I do every day. My youngest says, “You coming late and you being ok…..”. Wow! It stings and comforts me all at once. I want to immediately tell myself what a shitty mother I’ve been but I can’t keep beating myself up. So I told myself that a shitty mother wouldn’t be over a month sober.
I don’t care how long it takes to reinforce to my 3 girls that Mom is sober and present. I will do whatever it takes. I want to be the sober super hero sans a drink in my hand.
Sobriety round 2 hasn’t been easy every single day. The not drinking part has been the easiest because I hate what alcohol has done to me and to my family. Some days I live in the whole “pink cloud” world. Other days, life is a reality, as it should be and I don’t feel like being overly happy. Shit, I’m human. I get tired and can’t run 100 mph all day long. I expect a lot from myself. A lot! I don’t always see the problem with that but my therapist says that having too many expectations on myself will get in the way of me loving myself when I can’t get every expectation of myself done in the time frame I’ve set for myself.
I’m a work in progress as I enjoy day 37 of sobriety.