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Wonder Woman…why am I so into “signs”?

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Wonder Woman is an alcoholic? Yep! Just came across an article that Linda Carter has been sober for 18 years. Shit! She really is a super hero.

“I wasn’t really present for my two children, though my kids never saw me out of control,” -Linda Carter

Wish my kids had never seen me out of control! It’s interesting, I bet 3 out of 5 days when I pick my daughters up from school, they start to study my eyes & face as they approach the car. They’re checking to see of Mom is pick them up or that alcoholic they are not fond of, you know, mother one with the crazy eyes. I can’t let this bother me. After all, I did this to them. I created this break in the trust that should never be broken between a parent and child. If I have to spend the rest of my life ensuring I’m sober, then that’s what I will do. I’ll do anything to make them feel confident that I’m present as a Mom. I don’t crave a love so deep that the ocean would be jealous because the ocean is jealous! My love for them is deep.

My eldest daughter, “M” is working on a state report of Arizona. The sign here is that Linda Carter is from Arizona and M featured her as a celebrity from AZ. I didn’t think 2 weeks ago as I was looking at M’s power point presentation that I’d be reading an article about Wonder Woman having 18 years of sobriety. If “signs” give me little boosts during my sobriety, I’ll take ’em!

Any of you into “signs”?

 

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Addiction vs. Recovery

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If this isn’t dead on, I don’t know what is. Even though I’ve been down this road before, I feel like I’m doing sobriety better. Ever watch a movie or read a book for the 2nd time and see details you didn’t see the 1st time? Well, that’s how I’m feeling and I’m thoroughly LOVING it! I’m trying not to get caught up in the excitement of finding myself but I looked in to the mirror yesterday and didn’t want to throw a rock at my image. I told myself good job. Fck! I complimented myself!!!! I usually would’ve thought something sarcastic. This new place is feeling pretty good. Baby steps. No rushing. I’ve got the rest of my life to get to know me.

Amazing how this blogging is educational, healing, scary, exciting, keeps you accountable, offers inspiration and helps you with your fears. This is all I’ve got time for this morning. Kick a$$ today!

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I’ll Stand By You

Music has and always will be a huge part of me. My iPod music collection is completely bi-polar. I love all genres of music and tend to listen to choices that match my mood or pertain to what I’m going through in life at that moment. I’ve always loved this song by the Pretenders. It makes me think of my hubby and the support he gives me day after day. He stands by me, listens and I trust him and believe in him. Trust is very hard for me. I used to not cry if I was hurting or even fight to hold back tears of happiness or even tears if I was watching a really great movie. I’d feel stupid for crying, period.

This song makes me emotional. Some days it’s a happy feeling and some other days it’s almost a sad feeling. I feel so fortunate to be married to a man that refused to give up on me after I would make promise after promise that it would be the last time I’d black out. He’s been there on my darkest day with alcohol and held my hand until I could see the sun again. He keeps me grounded, reminds me what’s important, what to let go of and teaches me patience. I never wanted to be with someone just like me because it would be out of control crazy in the drinking sense. I’ve always had the “Go big or go home” mentality. I love my sober me. She’s is happy, her heart is full and she is sunshine. He is also the best father I could’ve hoped for. This is so important to me since my biological father wasn’t a father and my step dad who was around for 25 years just decides to write me and my family off like he never knew us after he and my Mom got a divorce. Getting this out in a blog feels fanfreakingtastic!!!!

Today I’ve got 28 sobriety days and although that may not be much, it’s a lot for me and a lot for my hubby and kids. It’ll continue to grow and right now that is pretty exciting for me. I’m working hard at sobriety and it’s something that no one can take from me except me. You have to remind yourself every damn day that you have a problem with alcohol.