Day 51 for me and I’m really feeling like my attempts of trying to let go of certain things is beginning to work. Still struggling with other things I want to let go of but I’m getting there.
I was getting some stuff done around the house the other day and I had the music loud. I love music. I consistently have it on and enjoy all types. On this day I had shuffled the music and Bob Seager’s Still the Same plays. I love that song but it made me think of my real father….you know, that real a$$hole. When I was probably about 4 years old, my uncle, my Dad’s brother, lived with us for a short period of time and what I remember about that was a guy who took time to hangout with my brother and I. He’d build some pretty cool stuff out of tinker toys and he loved listening to Bob Seager.
A year and a half ago I had finally built up the courage to call my Dad. Let’s just refer to him by Jim. He doesn’t deserve me referring to him as my Dad because he never knew how to be one. Anyhow, I called Jim, he answered and I let him know that I had to build up the courage to make this phone call for a few years. Let him know I had 3 daughters and all I wanted was to hopefully meet up and possibly have him see my daughters. My daughters ask a lot of questions as to why I don’t have a Dad. I was hoping to somehow find some light on how to bring closure to this conversation. They have a loving dad in their life who loves them hard each and every day and I’m thankful they are growing up not knowing any different. Jim obviously has no idea how deep the pain is that I’ve had to endure my whole life due to him not being in my life. To make a long story short, after I explain and try to set up getting together he talks…..he says that he’s not interested in seeing me and therefore seeing my daughters isn’t going to happen either because of not calling him back or by reaching out sooner. So there goes me trying to show them this person who I probably resemble. He says that he had left a message on the recorder probably when I was something like 12 to invite my brother and I to see him and his wife get married. Because I didn’t call him back 29 years prior, he finds that a reason to drive that knife in my heart further. Go Jim! What a man you are….not. Anyhow, I express that he’s got to be kidding me and manage to get off of the phone before he can hear my emotions. I’m not sure if I cried because of the thought that a parent could do this to their child no matter what their age is, if it was because I had been wanting to know where I stood in his life and it was crystal clear at that moment or if it was because I was really hoping to have some kind of relationship with him. Probably a little of all of those thoughts. That would be the last time I will ever hear his voice or share a conversation ever. Does that hurt? Yes. Interesting enough, he must had called my uncle because later that afternoon I get a message from him hoping to arrange to see me and my family. Although he has a heart and I appreciated that, I really don’t want anything to do with that side of the family. It wasn’t my uncles job to make me feel better. What really gets to me though is the many times I’d hear from people that a girl really only needs her mom. A girl needs both and if you have both or had both growing up you wouldn’t really understand how it feels. I’m hoping that being honest with my feelings about Jim on this blog helps free me from the emptiness that he has put in me all these years. Hell, I might even drop him a letter and a copy of this. You’re an a$$hole, you’re a quitter and a coward. I just don’t want to own the ill feelings associated with him any longer. I’ve held onto them for too long and I’m done. Which reminds me of a few more feelings he left for me to feel for way too long. Like the time he had me for the weekend and got so drunk that he left me at a get together at one of his friends houses. I was probably 7 years old and for the longest time I thought he left knowing he left me behind. Years later I understood what all those Coors beers did to his brain and understood what alcoholism was. But thanks for the gift of insecurity and abandonment. The Dude gets an A+. He still is and will always be the same….I however won’t.
Getting this out feels uplifting and a bit of calmness is setting in. It’s a bit of relief to not hold it in. Plus it makes me realize that my sobriety is gold in my kids world. I can’t take back past mistakes but I can continue this path and create positive, healthy, great memories for me & my daughters. Cheers to one day at a time!