Today marks 8 full weeks of sobriety for me and my family. I’m a little lost for words this morning as I’m needing some “Eat, Pray & Love” time. Whatever that means, lol. Lots to be thankful for as I sit here drinking coffee and listening to chickens and the sound of the ocean. Chickens are everywhere in Kauai, it’s crazy! My family and I are in Kauai and living like locals for 2 weeks in a friends beach house right on Hanalei Bay complete with a dog named Zumba. House sitting and dog sitting. I could get used to this. Each morning we are to feed their 2 horses who live across the way where they have taro fields. Not once have I ever experienced a trip to Hawaii like this. Anyhow, I’d like to share an article about an extraordinary individual named Kinichi who is 96 years old and lives on the property. All it took was a shake of our hands and instantly I wanted to know what the secret was to live a long life like him.
Day 51 for me and I’m really feeling like my attempts of trying to let go of certain things is beginning to work. Still struggling with other things I want to let go of but I’m getting there.
I was getting some stuff done around the house the other day and I had the music loud. I love music. I consistently have it on and enjoy all types. On this day I had shuffled the music and Bob Seager’s Still the Same plays. I love that song but it made me think of my real father….you know, that real a$$hole. When I was probably about 4 years old, my uncle, my Dad’s brother, lived with us for a short period of time and what I remember about that was a guy who took time to hangout with my brother and I. He’d build some pretty cool stuff out of tinker toys and he loved listening to Bob Seager.
A year and a half ago I had finally built up the courage to call my Dad. Let’s just refer to him by Jim. He doesn’t deserve me referring to him as my Dad because he never knew how to be one. Anyhow, I called Jim, he answered and I let him know that I had to build up the courage to make this phone call for a few years. Let him know I had 3 daughters and all I wanted was to hopefully meet up and possibly have him see my daughters. My daughters ask a lot of questions as to why I don’t have a Dad. I was hoping to somehow find some light on how to bring closure to this conversation. They have a loving dad in their life who loves them hard each and every day and I’m thankful they are growing up not knowing any different. Jim obviously has no idea how deep the pain is that I’ve had to endure my whole life due to him not being in my life. To make a long story short, after I explain and try to set up getting together he talks…..he says that he’s not interested in seeing me and therefore seeing my daughters isn’t going to happen either because of not calling him back or by reaching out sooner. So there goes me trying to show them this person who I probably resemble. He says that he had left a message on the recorder probably when I was something like 12 to invite my brother and I to see him and his wife get married. Because I didn’t call him back 29 years prior, he finds that a reason to drive that knife in my heart further. Go Jim! What a man you are….not. Anyhow, I express that he’s got to be kidding me and manage to get off of the phone before he can hear my emotions. I’m not sure if I cried because of the thought that a parent could do this to their child no matter what their age is, if it was because I had been wanting to know where I stood in his life and it was crystal clear at that moment or if it was because I was really hoping to have some kind of relationship with him. Probably a little of all of those thoughts. That would be the last time I will ever hear his voice or share a conversation ever. Does that hurt? Yes. Interesting enough, he must had called my uncle because later that afternoon I get a message from him hoping to arrange to see me and my family. Although he has a heart and I appreciated that, I really don’t want anything to do with that side of the family. It wasn’t my uncles job to make me feel better. What really gets to me though is the many times I’d hear from people that a girl really only needs her mom. A girl needs both and if you have both or had both growing up you wouldn’t really understand how it feels. I’m hoping that being honest with my feelings about Jim on this blog helps free me from the emptiness that he has put in me all these years. Hell, I might even drop him a letter and a copy of this. You’re an a$$hole, you’re a quitter and a coward. I just don’t want to own the ill feelings associated with him any longer. I’ve held onto them for too long and I’m done. Which reminds me of a few more feelings he left for me to feel for way too long. Like the time he had me for the weekend and got so drunk that he left me at a get together at one of his friends houses. I was probably 7 years old and for the longest time I thought he left knowing he left me behind. Years later I understood what all those Coors beers did to his brain and understood what alcoholism was. But thanks for the gift of insecurity and abandonment. The Dude gets an A+. He still is and will always be the same….I however won’t.
Getting this out feels uplifting and a bit of calmness is setting in. It’s a bit of relief to not hold it in. Plus it makes me realize that my sobriety is gold in my kids world. I can’t take back past mistakes but I can continue this path and create positive, healthy, great memories for me & my daughters. Cheers to one day at a time!
Been trying to shake the “funk” I have felt all week long. Being a woman isn’t always easy mood wise. Add sobriety, motherhood, life and everything else you juggle in there and it’s a recipe for an emotional breakdown every once in a while. I need quiet time. Quiet time is what helps refuel my zen and helps me function at 110% no matter what veers in my direction. My problem is that I’m not the best at deciding which text messages to respond to at a later time, how to cut off lengthy face to face conversations with other moms I run into at my kids school, how to say no, which phone calls not to answer and how to not go from having patience to becoming a complete stress case in 2 seconds.
The good thing is that I’m not using any of this as a way to sabotage my sobriety. None of this funk has made me think about needing a drink in order to deal or as a way to relax. It actually creates a fire within me that burns at the right times. It ignites before I workout and when I pick up my racquet before I walk out on the tennis court. These are a couple things I do to fight back when I’m pissy and these are 2 things I do to make me feel good period. I’d go crazy without them.
Despite the funk that was sprinkled on top of a pretty good week, it was overall good. 2 of my daughters were in the school talent show Friday night. It was fun seeing them so excited about dancing around on stage with their friends. I sat there watching, thinking how quickly they are growing up. I love and appreciate their unique, individual personalities. Even when I find them challenging. I was also thankful for my sobriety. I was physically, mentally & emotionally there and sober! Thursday was good too. My usual tennis inter club match day. The typical, let’s win and celebrate day. The kind of celebrating that ends in a black out. The day where I forget everything. The day I let the alcoholic take over my world and sadden, disappoint and destroy my family. We got a team win and my doubles partner and I battled (2-6, 6-1, 7-6) and won. It was also a celebration in my mind that this is the last match of the season that I have to play with her. She’s a total alcoholic who does not want to own it. She shows up about 40 minutes after the rest of us do. Looks torn back, probably hung over and only has about 5 minutes to warm up. A year ago when we decided to be doubles partners, I had no idea that I was walking into all of this. Maybe it was a blessing in disguise. I’ve never been in a “relationship” with an alcoholic. When I started to play inter club everyone warned me that your on & off court relationship becomes a marriage and ending it is like a divorce. This made me laugh. No way! Well….it was. Things were great on Thursdays as long as I was along side her throwing drinks back and I have felt the resentment from her beginning in January when I told her I will be trying out for the following season with my ex (partner). Resentment since I’ve become sober too. I haven’t told her what I’m doing to change my life in order to not lose my family because I don’t feel I need to let her into my new world. She should try it though because hydrating with water between sets works much better than vodka. Besides match days, I’ve been avoiding her like the plague. I’m happy to be free of that toxic on court relationship.
The not so funk is the fact that I’ve got 44 days of sobriety! I’m sleeping better and have no regrets! I’m present and I’m a believer that the worst day sober is way better than the best day drunk. Yesterday, my oldest daughter M and I went to a mother/daughter event that her girls group planned. It was awesome! Perfect bonding time. We danced, sang songs, made crafts, asked each other questions we never asked each other, took silly pictures, had lunch and made s’mores. I’m proud of what an incredible young lady she is. My favorite moment was decorating a journal for her and me to write in. The purpose of this journal is to write letters, doodle, write about past memories and dream together about the future. I love this idea and we have already started writing in it. I’m excited about this opportunity to have with her and will definitely be doing this with my younger 2 and think it would be fun for them to do with their dad as well.
Even through the funk, I’m believing that my recovery is the greatest gift I can give to my family. I need to realize that there will be times that are not spectacular. Times that will not have “wow” moments. Funk will show up to keep things real and teach me to grow, teach me to handle situations with grace rather than choosing to ignore. I’m an alcoholic, I’m continually looking for my next high. It’s brutal. Cheers to honesty, living one day at a time, courage to change the things I can and accepting things I cannot change.
For years, I couldn’t watch A&E’s Intervention. I was uncomfortable relating to many of the same things I was watching. Why would I want to draw more attention to my addiction that I wasn’t yet ready to admit was a problem? I watch it now. My throat gets tight, my stomach sour and sometimes my eyes fill up with tears.
Last night, while watching an episode of two female alcoholics it dawned on me that most of the time these addicts started their battle just like me, taking their first drink at an early age. Coming from a divorced family where one parent becomes absent from their life. Then comes the blended family and family members stating facts of the addicts early years and the troubles that were faced.
One of the addicts says something to the effect that she has grown to hate alcohol, that she doesn’t even like it. I can relate. It gets to the point that it doesn’t even taste good. Probably because of the taste it leaves in my mouth the next morning, the pain I see in my husband’s and kid’s eyes and because of the toll it takes.
When I started this blog, I promised myself I would not hold back on what hurts me no matter who reads this for fear that I would upset someone I love. The sober me doesn’t want to hurt anyone. The intoxicated me doesn’t care.
Sobriety makes me feel everything. My mind is sensitive as well as my heart. I was upset last night. How could I be in such a good place and Bam! Like a switch. I’m angry, resentful and not really at peace. I vent to my husband because I trust him. He’s heard it all before. Again & again. Over & over. I cry. I cry hard. Crying sometimes makes me feel uncomfortable. Shows I’m weak. Admits I’m hurt. Makes me feel foolish. I hate that. Hate brings on resentment and there you have it, a vicious cycle.
Talking to certain people or even seeing certain people make me question myself. I understand the whole, you allow people to make you feel a particular way. When they’re friends it’s easier to do than when it’s family. My expectations on how a family should be with each person having an exact role and behavior must be where this blows up for me. Are my expectations too high? Are they insane? Wrong? I need to be comfortable with the fact that just because I’m making changes doesn’t mean everyone else needs to be on board. I need to get over it, reset boundaries and realize this is not going to change. Ever.
I struggle with a couple relationships. I dream they become different. I even wish. I’m admitting that I am powerless to make these relationships different. C’mon, how much more time can I spend trying or hoping things are the way I hope for? When people tell you to trust that everything’s going to work out I want to storm off. Hello! Trust is hard for me. So more importantly, I’m learning to focus on me being 100% present for my daughters and husband. Eventually every storm runs out of rain? Right? I want the calm and I want it really bad. I don’t want to look back 10 years from now and realize that I wasted time I had with my kids by living in a state of perpetual distraction.
I’m learning from my mistakes. Repeating them over and over would be insanity. I won’t go there.
This is hard for me to put out there. I’m tired of stuffing this deep inside me. 5 days a week when I pick my 3 girls up from elementary school I think about the horrible mistakes I’ve made over and over again. I become a punching bag for me. I’d become a punching bag for many people if they knew I have picked up my kids at school after going on a drinking binge. It’s hard to swallow the fact that I’ve been behind the wheel of a car, allowing myself to go near a school with children everywhere and driving with my kids in the car.
It’s sick. It’s wrong. Horrible. Disgusting. What the FCK was I thinking? When the alcoholic took over, I wasn’t thinking. I didn’t care. Or at least I couldn’t care. My kids must have had the most ill feelings ever. How could someone they trust make them feel this way and put them in this situation. Lives at stake. I’m sick writing about this. I want to cry. But I don’t want to hold onto this any longer. I want to continue to heal. I’m owning everything I have done drunk. Writing this blog so far has been therapeutic.
There were 2 incidences this week that made my kids very leery. Wednesday, I spent some time with my Mom. It was much needed. Our relationship is a work in progress and I’m taking baby steps. I was driving her car, so we picked the kids up. They immediately got in her car, studied my eyes and were very inquisitive on why I was driving her car. Took a couple of minutes but we both wanted them to understand and feel secure as to why even though the answer was simple. The 2nd time was on Thursday. Thursday’s are my match days for the tennis team that I’m on. The match was out of town. On the way back, there was traffic, road construction and an accident. I called the school and let them know I wouldn’t be there until 10 minutes after school let out. I drive up to the school, my happiness sitting there waiting. Right before anyone opens a door, my oldest stares long and hard. I smile. She’s guarding her younger sisters making sure Mom isn’t late because of vodka induced crazy eyes. Thursday’s have been historically drunk days. I play my match, we win and celebrate. They get into the car and I explain why I’m late. I ask what he best part of their day was, as I do every day. My youngest says, “You coming late and you being ok…..”. Wow! It stings and comforts me all at once. I want to immediately tell myself what a shitty mother I’ve been but I can’t keep beating myself up. So I told myself that a shitty mother wouldn’t be over a month sober.
I don’t care how long it takes to reinforce to my 3 girls that Mom is sober and present. I will do whatever it takes. I want to be the sober super hero sans a drink in my hand.
Sobriety round 2 hasn’t been easy every single day. The not drinking part has been the easiest because I hate what alcohol has done to me and to my family. Some days I live in the whole “pink cloud” world. Other days, life is a reality, as it should be and I don’t feel like being overly happy. Shit, I’m human. I get tired and can’t run 100 mph all day long. I expect a lot from myself. A lot! I don’t always see the problem with that but my therapist says that having too many expectations on myself will get in the way of me loving myself when I can’t get every expectation of myself done in the time frame I’ve set for myself.
I’m a work in progress as I enjoy day 37 of sobriety.
Wonder Woman is an alcoholic? Yep! Just came across an article that Linda Carter has been sober for 18 years. Shit! She really is a super hero.
“I wasn’t really present for my two children, though my kids never saw me out of control,” -Linda Carter
Wish my kids had never seen me out of control! It’s interesting, I bet 3 out of 5 days when I pick my daughters up from school, they start to study my eyes & face as they approach the car. They’re checking to see of Mom is pick them up or that alcoholic they are not fond of, you know, mother one with the crazy eyes. I can’t let this bother me. After all, I did this to them. I created this break in the trust that should never be broken between a parent and child. If I have to spend the rest of my life ensuring I’m sober, then that’s what I will do. I’ll do anything to make them feel confident that I’m present as a Mom. I don’t crave a love so deep that the ocean would be jealous because the ocean is jealous! My love for them is deep.
My eldest daughter, “M” is working on a state report of Arizona. The sign here is that Linda Carter is from Arizona and M featured her as a celebrity from AZ. I didn’t think 2 weeks ago as I was looking at M’s power point presentation that I’d be reading an article about Wonder Woman having 18 years of sobriety. If “signs” give me little boosts during my sobriety, I’ll take ’em!
Any of you into “signs”?
If this isn’t dead on, I don’t know what is. Even though I’ve been down this road before, I feel like I’m doing sobriety better. Ever watch a movie or read a book for the 2nd time and see details you didn’t see the 1st time? Well, that’s how I’m feeling and I’m thoroughly LOVING it! I’m trying not to get caught up in the excitement of finding myself but I looked in to the mirror yesterday and didn’t want to throw a rock at my image. I told myself good job. Fck! I complimented myself!!!! I usually would’ve thought something sarcastic. This new place is feeling pretty good. Baby steps. No rushing. I’ve got the rest of my life to get to know me.
Amazing how this blogging is educational, healing, scary, exciting, keeps you accountable, offers inspiration and helps you with your fears. This is all I’ve got time for this morning. Kick a$$ today!