Maroon 5 Tour…..SUGAR!

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My hubby and I took M to go see Maroon 5 in concert. Great night! Sober night. I get to remember everything! Lots of drunky drunks everywhere. Funny to watch people try to start fights over the lamest issues. I’m a firm believer that attending a concert sober is definitely more fulfilling than thinking you’re watching and you wake up the next morning and all of your pics & videos are not good at all and you don’t even remember most of the songs.

We loved having that one on one time with M. It’s so important to do one on ones. Awesome night! Maroon 5 didn’t dissappoint!

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Under the influence in the carpool lane

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This is hard for me to put out there. I’m tired of stuffing this deep inside me. 5 days a week when I pick my 3 girls up from elementary school I think about the horrible mistakes I’ve made over and over again. I become a punching bag for me. I’d become a punching bag for many people if they knew I have picked up my kids at school after going on a drinking binge. It’s hard to swallow the fact that I’ve been behind the wheel of a car, allowing myself to go near a school with children everywhere and driving with my kids in the car.

It’s sick. It’s wrong. Horrible. Disgusting. What the FCK was I thinking? When the alcoholic took over, I wasn’t thinking. I didn’t care. Or at least I couldn’t care. My kids must have had the most ill feelings ever. How could someone they trust make them feel this way and put them in this situation. Lives at stake. I’m sick writing about this. I want to cry. But I don’t want to hold onto this any longer. I want to continue to heal. I’m owning everything I have done drunk. Writing this blog so far has been therapeutic.

There were 2 incidences this week that made my kids very leery. Wednesday, I spent some time with my Mom. It was much needed. Our relationship is a work in progress and I’m taking baby steps. I was driving her car, so we picked the kids up. They immediately got in her car, studied my eyes and were very inquisitive on why I was driving her car. Took a couple of minutes but we both wanted them to understand and feel secure as to why even though the answer was simple. The 2nd time was on Thursday. Thursday’s are my match days for the tennis team that I’m on. The match was out of town. On the way back, there was traffic, road construction and an accident. I called the school and let them know I wouldn’t be there until 10 minutes after school let out. I drive up to the school, my happiness sitting there waiting. Right before anyone opens a door, my oldest stares long and hard. I smile. She’s guarding her younger sisters making sure Mom isn’t late because of vodka induced crazy eyes. Thursday’s have been historically drunk days. I play my match, we win and celebrate. They get into the car and I explain why I’m late. I ask what he best part of their day was, as I do every day. My youngest says, “You coming late and you being ok…..”. Wow! It stings and comforts me all at once. I want to immediately tell myself what a shitty mother I’ve been but I can’t keep beating myself up. So I told myself that a shitty mother wouldn’t be over a month sober.

I don’t care how long it takes to reinforce to my 3 girls that Mom is sober and present. I will do whatever it takes. I want to be the sober super hero sans a drink in my hand.

Sobriety round 2 hasn’t been easy every single day. The not drinking part has been the easiest because I hate what alcohol has done to me and to my family. Some days I live in the whole “pink cloud” world. Other days, life is a reality, as it should be and I don’t feel like being overly happy. Shit, I’m human. I get tired and can’t run 100 mph all day long. I expect a lot from myself. A lot! I don’t always see the problem with that but my therapist says that having too many expectations on myself will get in the way of me loving myself when I can’t get every expectation of myself done in the time frame I’ve set for myself.

I’m a work in progress as I enjoy day 37 of sobriety.

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I am a champion, you’re gonna hear me roar!

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My sobriety time is growing and so am I. I’m addicted to organizing anything impossibly can in my home right now. The only problem I see with that is just wanting to stay in so I can keep doing it. As I organize, I find things to clean. Hidden things nobody but me would see, but I clean it anyway. Why? It makes me feel good! In between all of this 2 of my daughters are practicing for their school talent show. “H” is dancing to Katy Perry’s, “Roar”. I totally get the whole I’m a champion, louder than a lion….you’re gonna hear me rooooaaaaar!” Somehow seeing her sing these words with her dance moves gives me another reason amongst a few thousand to stay on the sobriety path. She’s my little cub and damn it, we will all be roaring!

I’m thoroughly enjoying blogging and reading everyone’s words that they share. Super gratifying! It feels good to be happy and not feel like I want to find a reason to get pissed off so I can possibly have some lame excuse to taste a drink that will lead to a blackout and tear down the trust wall with my family. I have flaws and that’s ok because I’m fierce and strong and im going to continue to make sobriety my bitch!

Happy St. Patty’s day!

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1 month down, sobriety is the new skinny

My mind may be sober, but my soul is high….

 

Friday the 13th, a milestone occurred. Yesterday marked 4 weeks of sobriety for me. Honestly, not too thrilling because I’ve celebrated this exact moment in 2009. Been there, done that. However,  I did it! I reminded myself everyday, several times per day that I no longer let alcohol make my decisions. I make the decisions.

There have been highs & lows and everything in between. I’m starting to sleep well, I’m more optimistic, opportunistic and organized. I have a little more patience. I’m utilizing my free time better. I’m motivated. I’m winning!

I had my first ever drunk dream Thursday night.  What a nightmare! Woke up from it and I felt so empty and dark. Completely realistic. I just stared at the ceiling for a moment and quickly realized I dreamt it. Thank fcking God!!!!! I think the alcoholic screws with your mind purposely to test your strength at times. Maybe it’s it’s just a simple reminder on how drinking makes you feel the next day after a black out because not remembering really sucks!

My hubby surprised me & the kids by bringing home cupcakes like we had done many times when I first got sober. For us, sobriety is a big deal. It’s a birthday celebrating life. I’m enjoying the waves of change, welcoming the new relationship I’m slowly developing with myself and learning to handle situations that usually send me into an uproar with finesse. I’m digging this! I’m digging blogging too and discovering others stories of addiction as well. It’s healing and empowering at the same time.

I listen to a lot of music. I find bits and pieces in songs and sometimes those bits and pieces become meaningful to me regardless of what the artist intended. Coldplay’s song, Yellow has some meaning.

I swam across, I jumped across for you……..I drew a line, I drew a line for you……for you I’d bleed myself dry, I’d bleed myself dry for you. I see this song as the “you” being the alcohol. Alcohol became a sick love affair that makes you go through great measures. Lines are crossed with the people you love the most. It sucks the life right out of you, you bleed yourself dry. It’s no way to live. You’re confined. But then the song goes into saying how “you” turn into something beautiful. That beautiful thing for me is sobriety and sobriety truly is a gift. I’m enjoying my family and will continue to enjoy living in the moment. When you look at the stars, they really do shine for you. 🙂

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I’ll Stand By You

Music has and always will be a huge part of me. My iPod music collection is completely bi-polar. I love all genres of music and tend to listen to choices that match my mood or pertain to what I’m going through in life at that moment. I’ve always loved this song by the Pretenders. It makes me think of my hubby and the support he gives me day after day. He stands by me, listens and I trust him and believe in him. Trust is very hard for me. I used to not cry if I was hurting or even fight to hold back tears of happiness or even tears if I was watching a really great movie. I’d feel stupid for crying, period.

This song makes me emotional. Some days it’s a happy feeling and some other days it’s almost a sad feeling. I feel so fortunate to be married to a man that refused to give up on me after I would make promise after promise that it would be the last time I’d black out. He’s been there on my darkest day with alcohol and held my hand until I could see the sun again. He keeps me grounded, reminds me what’s important, what to let go of and teaches me patience. I never wanted to be with someone just like me because it would be out of control crazy in the drinking sense. I’ve always had the “Go big or go home” mentality. I love my sober me. She’s is happy, her heart is full and she is sunshine. He is also the best father I could’ve hoped for. This is so important to me since my biological father wasn’t a father and my step dad who was around for 25 years just decides to write me and my family off like he never knew us after he and my Mom got a divorce. Getting this out in a blog feels fanfreakingtastic!!!!

Today I’ve got 28 sobriety days and although that may not be much, it’s a lot for me and a lot for my hubby and kids. It’ll continue to grow and right now that is pretty exciting for me. I’m working hard at sobriety and it’s something that no one can take from me except me. You have to remind yourself every damn day that you have a problem with alcohol.

Counting My Rainbows, Not My Thunderstorms

Yesterday was one helluva day!

  • 3 weeks of sobriety
  • I turned 41
  • I counted my rainbows, not my thunderstorms
  • I realized and remembered how good sobriety feels

My day started off by getting downstairs to find the coolest beach cruiser ever!!!! Orange and black because I am the biggest SF Giants fan in NorCal! A gift from the girls and my hubby.

Went to workout with my trainer, it was leg day. It sucked but when I leave, I feel great! It’s a gorgeous day, sunroof open, windows down…. 70 degrees in March. Yes! Played a little bit of tennis, met my Mom for the best pedicure ever, picked up my 3 Chix from school and went on a bike ride. Hubby got home and we all ate pizza & watched Boyhood. Low key, just what I asked for and it was perfect!

This was the first day in a very long time where I literally soaked in all it had to offered and brought on. I lived in the moment, didn’t think about next week, didn’t look at the time, just lived right in that exact moment of time. The way more days should be spent. I also realized that the number of rainbows in my life kick ass over the few thunderstorms I’ve experienced. And without the thunderstorms there would be no rainbows. The little things are far more important than anything huge!