This is hard for me to put out there. I’m tired of stuffing this deep inside me. 5 days a week when I pick my 3 girls up from elementary school I think about the horrible mistakes I’ve made over and over again. I become a punching bag for me. I’d become a punching bag for many people if they knew I have picked up my kids at school after going on a drinking binge. It’s hard to swallow the fact that I’ve been behind the wheel of a car, allowing myself to go near a school with children everywhere and driving with my kids in the car.
It’s sick. It’s wrong. Horrible. Disgusting. What the FCK was I thinking? When the alcoholic took over, I wasn’t thinking. I didn’t care. Or at least I couldn’t care. My kids must have had the most ill feelings ever. How could someone they trust make them feel this way and put them in this situation. Lives at stake. I’m sick writing about this. I want to cry. But I don’t want to hold onto this any longer. I want to continue to heal. I’m owning everything I have done drunk. Writing this blog so far has been therapeutic.
There were 2 incidences this week that made my kids very leery. Wednesday, I spent some time with my Mom. It was much needed. Our relationship is a work in progress and I’m taking baby steps. I was driving her car, so we picked the kids up. They immediately got in her car, studied my eyes and were very inquisitive on why I was driving her car. Took a couple of minutes but we both wanted them to understand and feel secure as to why even though the answer was simple. The 2nd time was on Thursday. Thursday’s are my match days for the tennis team that I’m on. The match was out of town. On the way back, there was traffic, road construction and an accident. I called the school and let them know I wouldn’t be there until 10 minutes after school let out. I drive up to the school, my happiness sitting there waiting. Right before anyone opens a door, my oldest stares long and hard. I smile. She’s guarding her younger sisters making sure Mom isn’t late because of vodka induced crazy eyes. Thursday’s have been historically drunk days. I play my match, we win and celebrate. They get into the car and I explain why I’m late. I ask what he best part of their day was, as I do every day. My youngest says, “You coming late and you being ok…..”. Wow! It stings and comforts me all at once. I want to immediately tell myself what a shitty mother I’ve been but I can’t keep beating myself up. So I told myself that a shitty mother wouldn’t be over a month sober.
I don’t care how long it takes to reinforce to my 3 girls that Mom is sober and present. I will do whatever it takes. I want to be the sober super hero sans a drink in my hand.
Sobriety round 2 hasn’t been easy every single day. The not drinking part has been the easiest because I hate what alcohol has done to me and to my family. Some days I live in the whole “pink cloud” world. Other days, life is a reality, as it should be and I don’t feel like being overly happy. Shit, I’m human. I get tired and can’t run 100 mph all day long. I expect a lot from myself. A lot! I don’t always see the problem with that but my therapist says that having too many expectations on myself will get in the way of me loving myself when I can’t get every expectation of myself done in the time frame I’ve set for myself.
I’m a work in progress as I enjoy day 37 of sobriety.
My mind may be sober, but my soul is high….
Friday the 13th, a milestone occurred. Yesterday marked 4 weeks of sobriety for me. Honestly, not too thrilling because I’ve celebrated this exact moment in 2009. Been there, done that. However, I did it! I reminded myself everyday, several times per day that I no longer let alcohol make my decisions. I make the decisions.
There have been highs & lows and everything in between. I’m starting to sleep well, I’m more optimistic, opportunistic and organized. I have a little more patience. I’m utilizing my free time better. I’m motivated. I’m winning!
I had my first ever drunk dream Thursday night. What a nightmare! Woke up from it and I felt so empty and dark. Completely realistic. I just stared at the ceiling for a moment and quickly realized I dreamt it. Thank fcking God!!!!! I think the alcoholic screws with your mind purposely to test your strength at times. Maybe it’s it’s just a simple reminder on how drinking makes you feel the next day after a black out because not remembering really sucks!
My hubby surprised me & the kids by bringing home cupcakes like we had done many times when I first got sober. For us, sobriety is a big deal. It’s a birthday celebrating life. I’m enjoying the waves of change, welcoming the new relationship I’m slowly developing with myself and learning to handle situations that usually send me into an uproar with finesse. I’m digging this! I’m digging blogging too and discovering others stories of addiction as well. It’s healing and empowering at the same time.
I listen to a lot of music. I find bits and pieces in songs and sometimes those bits and pieces become meaningful to me regardless of what the artist intended. Coldplay’s song, Yellow has some meaning.
I swam across, I jumped across for you……..I drew a line, I drew a line for you……for you I’d bleed myself dry, I’d bleed myself dry for you. I see this song as the “you” being the alcohol. Alcohol became a sick love affair that makes you go through great measures. Lines are crossed with the people you love the most. It sucks the life right out of you, you bleed yourself dry. It’s no way to live. You’re confined. But then the song goes into saying how “you” turn into something beautiful. That beautiful thing for me is sobriety and sobriety truly is a gift. I’m enjoying my family and will continue to enjoy living in the moment. When you look at the stars, they really do shine for you. 🙂
Thursdays are typically the days that quickly go sour for me. I play tennis for a league on these days and after a large group usually heads to lunch and that’s when the trouble starts. A glass of wine leads to my poison of Redbull vodka and eventually I think I grow wings but I’ve blacked out by now and I manage to get home, pick the kids up and try to get my shit together before my husband gets home from work, that is if I can fool the kids first. The kids couldn’t be fooled any longer. They were as sick of it as my husband.
Today was different and I loved different. I need different. Played tennis, we won. I socialized briefly at the club, the other ladies made lunch plans and I did what I needed to do to stay out of my own trouble. It wasn’t even that hard. The result has been awesome and I feel great about myself. A sobriety high. I’ll take it!!! Bring on 21 days tomorrow!!!! 3 weeks!
If you cannot accept me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my best
Drinking kills relationships. Drinking creates relationships. You have decide which of those two relationships are more important. For me, I’m going to salvage the relationships that drinking tries to or has killed. Drinking randomly here and there over the last 18 months has reminded me who really cares about me. I’m not the kind of person that tries to test peoples loyalty to me either. I don’t do that. But I can tell you who is still there for me when I’m at my best even though I’ve shown them the worst of me.
Why in the world would I ever give a shit about people who talk about me behind my back, judge me after I walk away or literally have anything to say about my life if I’m not present? I’m working on not putting any energy into people who do this. The problem is these guys are the ones who focus on everyone else so they can forget about their crappy lives or habits that they need to fix. They think if they get the attention off of themselves by bringing down another person then nobody including themselves will notice their imperfections. Back in September, I went from zero to hot mess in 5 seconds. I play tennis with a large group of women that vary in age from about 30ish up to 80. Anyhow, we were celebrating a birthday and I of course went above and beyond as usual. Thank God, one of these ladies decided to drive my car and even pick my kids up from school. But I don’t remember any of this. The point is that I was so grateful of her caring enough about my kids and me that she took the time to do this. But now, she brings that situation up every damn time I see her. She has also decided it would be a great idea to also create a wild fire by telling the biggest gossip spreaders of the club the same story. I deserve dirty looks. I own the bad behavior and decisions I made that day by drinking. But I don’t think it’s fair when someone uses the situation against me by burning me by acting like a friend but then decides to tell the whole negative Nelly tennis ladies my business.
The above is just another way drinking has calloused a relationship. Another reason to stay sober. But the positive side is that drinking has helped me identify those that I can trust, continue to trust, who to wwalk away from and those who don’t deserve to be in my life. I have a burning desire to put that energy into my 3 kids who deserve a sober Mommy. A sober Mommy who is present for them, a role model for them and they deserve nothing but the best of me. My youngest has been home sick from school and has to take breathing treatments. Anyhow, this morning I was taking off the mask and it got tangled with her headphones she wore. I said something about them being connected to her iPad and she turned and hugged me and said,
Mommy, I always want to be connected to you…
My little girl just moved a mountain in my eyes, and confirmed the whole worst & best thing. Day 20 sober….totally worth it.