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Under the influence in the carpool lane

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This is hard for me to put out there. I’m tired of stuffing this deep inside me. 5 days a week when I pick my 3 girls up from elementary school I think about the horrible mistakes I’ve made over and over again. I become a punching bag for me. I’d become a punching bag for many people if they knew I have picked up my kids at school after going on a drinking binge. It’s hard to swallow the fact that I’ve been behind the wheel of a car, allowing myself to go near a school with children everywhere and driving with my kids in the car.

It’s sick. It’s wrong. Horrible. Disgusting. What the FCK was I thinking? When the alcoholic took over, I wasn’t thinking. I didn’t care. Or at least I couldn’t care. My kids must have had the most ill feelings ever. How could someone they trust make them feel this way and put them in this situation. Lives at stake. I’m sick writing about this. I want to cry. But I don’t want to hold onto this any longer. I want to continue to heal. I’m owning everything I have done drunk. Writing this blog so far has been therapeutic.

There were 2 incidences this week that made my kids very leery. Wednesday, I spent some time with my Mom. It was much needed. Our relationship is a work in progress and I’m taking baby steps. I was driving her car, so we picked the kids up. They immediately got in her car, studied my eyes and were very inquisitive on why I was driving her car. Took a couple of minutes but we both wanted them to understand and feel secure as to why even though the answer was simple. The 2nd time was on Thursday. Thursday’s are my match days for the tennis team that I’m on. The match was out of town. On the way back, there was traffic, road construction and an accident. I called the school and let them know I wouldn’t be there until 10 minutes after school let out. I drive up to the school, my happiness sitting there waiting. Right before anyone opens a door, my oldest stares long and hard. I smile. She’s guarding her younger sisters making sure Mom isn’t late because of vodka induced crazy eyes. Thursday’s have been historically drunk days. I play my match, we win and celebrate. They get into the car and I explain why I’m late. I ask what he best part of their day was, as I do every day. My youngest says, “You coming late and you being ok…..”. Wow! It stings and comforts me all at once. I want to immediately tell myself what a shitty mother I’ve been but I can’t keep beating myself up. So I told myself that a shitty mother wouldn’t be over a month sober.

I don’t care how long it takes to reinforce to my 3 girls that Mom is sober and present. I will do whatever it takes. I want to be the sober super hero sans a drink in my hand.

Sobriety round 2 hasn’t been easy every single day. The not drinking part has been the easiest because I hate what alcohol has done to me and to my family. Some days I live in the whole “pink cloud” world. Other days, life is a reality, as it should be and I don’t feel like being overly happy. Shit, I’m human. I get tired and can’t run 100 mph all day long. I expect a lot from myself. A lot! I don’t always see the problem with that but my therapist says that having too many expectations on myself will get in the way of me loving myself when I can’t get every expectation of myself done in the time frame I’ve set for myself.

I’m a work in progress as I enjoy day 37 of sobriety.

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Wonder Woman…why am I so into “signs”?

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Wonder Woman is an alcoholic? Yep! Just came across an article that Linda Carter has been sober for 18 years. Shit! She really is a super hero.

“I wasn’t really present for my two children, though my kids never saw me out of control,” -Linda Carter

Wish my kids had never seen me out of control! It’s interesting, I bet 3 out of 5 days when I pick my daughters up from school, they start to study my eyes & face as they approach the car. They’re checking to see of Mom is pick them up or that alcoholic they are not fond of, you know, mother one with the crazy eyes. I can’t let this bother me. After all, I did this to them. I created this break in the trust that should never be broken between a parent and child. If I have to spend the rest of my life ensuring I’m sober, then that’s what I will do. I’ll do anything to make them feel confident that I’m present as a Mom. I don’t crave a love so deep that the ocean would be jealous because the ocean is jealous! My love for them is deep.

My eldest daughter, “M” is working on a state report of Arizona. The sign here is that Linda Carter is from Arizona and M featured her as a celebrity from AZ. I didn’t think 2 weeks ago as I was looking at M’s power point presentation that I’d be reading an article about Wonder Woman having 18 years of sobriety. If “signs” give me little boosts during my sobriety, I’ll take ’em!

Any of you into “signs”?

 

Thirsty Thursday

Thursdays are typically the days that quickly go sour for me. I play tennis for a league on these days and after a large group usually heads to lunch and that’s when the trouble starts. A glass of wine leads to my poison of Redbull vodka and eventually I think I grow wings but I’ve blacked out by now and I manage to get home, pick the kids up and try to get my shit together before my husband gets home from work, that is if I can fool the kids first. The kids couldn’t be fooled any longer. They were as sick of it as my husband. 

Today was different and I loved different. I need different. Played tennis, we won. I socialized briefly at the club, the other ladies made lunch plans and I did what I needed to do to stay out of my own trouble. It wasn’t even that hard. The result has been awesome and I feel great about myself. A sobriety high. I’ll take it!!! Bring on 21 days tomorrow!!!! 3 weeks!